WHEN YOU FEEL
How the “Feelings” Zine Was Given to Me
I’m home, lying in my bed, journaling in the middle of the day. Jobless, sobbing, and pouring my heart out to God in pen. To say I sounded as dramatic as David, the poet of Psalms, would be all too apt as I was a hop and a skip away from ripping my shirt and throwing dust on my head.
Suddenly. The melodrama halts. A stark transition occurs without my noticing. I start fiercely writing back to myself: thoughts I’d never thought before, ideas that were far from me just moments prior. I notice a change in my posture as I rush to get the words written down that seem to be downloading into my consciousness like a stenographer in a heated courtroom. Where was this coming from, and why was I calling myself Brianna, talking to myself like a parent? I thought, “Is this God?”
The next few years from that time would be a rocky journey - with all the standard early-twenties struggles, and more struggles with the fierce fight of trying to impatiently… and restlessly… live an intentional life. I read a quote from songwriter & creative arts pastor KJ Scriven that could not more perfectly describe a critical factor in winning those battles, “I’m learning that our walk with Christ is less about what we know, [and] more about what we remember.” As this encounter with God in my writing would begin to happen over and over - and I’d get down on myself for not remembering the dang words that were literally given directly to me (which honestly convinced me further they weren’t my own) - I realized I needed to start archiving, synthesizing, organizing this stuff, something! Because He’s definitely been repeating Himself. There are certainly some themes here in all my emotional woes, and I don’t always have time to read the entire story of Joseph and the Dream Coat on my lunch break. I just need a quick little pick-me-up for the soul, a pocket-sized field guide, a fold-up directory of sorts, for the high-maintenance feelings of mine. And so the archiving began.
Every time I got one of these “downloads” from God, or He highlighted something someone said to me, I wrote it down. The raw document snowballed within about a year, and I truly began to experience the magic of it as I would come back to things I wrote to encourage myself. It encouraged me like it was brand new, as if the words were alive. As Michael Scott would put it, “Nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.”
The irony of my impatience and idealism - as illustrated by my desire to make this little book a “pocket-sized field guide” of distilled wisdom - is that I referred back to it so much, I learned (again) the opposite is necessary: the slow watered growth of life makes us bloom exactly the way we were made to - something that can only happen over time. The seemingly extreme amount of time it took to document, organize, pare down, edit, illustrate, format, finalize, and print this book from the time God originally told me to share this testimony - it could not have been rushed. If this book were shared even six months earlier, it would not be what it is now. (And it’s so good now!).
The point is, it’s time for me to share what’s been given to me. This book is more than small bits of encouragement for anyone who finds themselves struggling with similar sets of emotions. It’s also a call to remember, to cherish words that give you life, until you believe them, even if you have to read them to yourself every day!
I encourage you, regardless of this book, to be vulnerable, to be honest with yourself and with God, so you can get to hear the exact words made for you and be reformed by them. Cling to the words He gives you and leads you to. Develop a listening heart, seeking Him and His direction in everything. Ask God to reveal what you’re afraid to say out loud to yourself and to peel back lies you may have been holding onto that may be holding you back.
Don’t stop at this book. This is just my testimony. Seek the Book. And above anything else, seek God with all your heart, all your soul, all your might. [Deuteronomy 6:5]